Lake Calhoun Flying Muskellunge

Season recap

Here are the final standings for the Pac-Man Division for the fall season:

Tuesday Night Pac-Man Division	W	L	T	PTS	HR	RUNS FOR	RUNS AGNST	GB
Grass Kickers	6	1	0	12	2	52	18	0
Ctrl/Alt/Del	4	2	1	9	0	41	29	1.5
Flying Muskellunge	3	3	1	7	1	37	42	2.5
Mighty Milfoil	3	4	0	6	3	46	56	3
Fire Escape	2	5	0	4	1	29	38	4
Blue Balls	2	5	0	4	0	19	41	4

Allow me to geek out with some analysis of these results.

- It's all about "run differential" -- the difference between runs scored and runs allowed. When you subtract the number in the RUNS AGNST column from the number in the RUNS FOR column, you can pretty much predict what a team's record would be, within a margin of error.

Grass Kickers have a run differential of (52 - 18 =) 34, which is pretty high for a seven-game season, and that's why they're in first place. Blue Balls have a differential of (19 - 41 =) -22, which is why they're dead last.

As for us, our run differential is -5. Since that's a negative number, you might almost expect us to have a losing record, but since -5 is pretty close to zero, it fits with our even record of 3-3-1. That said, it's kind of disturbing that we gave up more runs than we scored, which wasn't true until two weeks ago.

Our negative differential also reflects the fact that the scores of the games we won (14-10, 4-2, 4-3) were summarily a little closer than the scores of the games we lost (7-6, 10-3, 7-3). We had a little luck in the beginning, and a little bad luck near the end, but ultimately we broke even in nearly every way.

- We had the fourth-best offense and the fifth-best defense, but still came in third. Weird. But the Mighty Milfoil's last-place defense was so bad that it canceled out their second-place offense.

- Grass Kickers, the division champions, lost only one game. To us. Just remember that.

Now, compare our fall performance with our spring stats:

Monday Night Smurfs Division	W	L	T	PTS	HR	RUNS FOR	RUNS AGNST	GB
Uptown Ball Stars	7	0	0	14	4	80	26	0
Rubber Toe	5	2	0	10	0	57	35	2
Dusty Balls	3	3	1	7	1	32	27	3.5
Fighting Muskellunge	2	4	1	5	0	42	55	4.5
Paste Eaters	2	5	0	4	0	35	82	5
Dangerous Machines	1	6	0	2	0	33	54	6

- Whoa. The biggest surprise here is that we actually scored more runs in the spring than we did in the fall -- 5 more runs, in fact. This reflects the fact that in the fall, we scored only 3 or 4 runs in four of seven games (although we won two of those).

- But the good news is that we allowed 13 fewer runs in the fall than in the spring. Our run differential was -13 in the spring, so our differential improved by 8 runs between seasons. That was good enough to improve by one game from spring to fall.

- Comparing two different seasons is not perfect. Our opponents were mostly different. Uptown Ball Stars were extremely dominant (with a differential of +54) and Rubber Toe (+21) were no slouches either. And in the spring playoffs, we faced (and beat) the #5 and #6 teams, while in the fall playoffs, we faced (and lost to) the #2 and #5 teams.

- The most-improved award has to go to Dangerous Machines a.k.a. Ctrl/Alt/Del, whose differential improved by 33 points, while their defense improved from 54 in the spring to 29 in the fall. I don't know entirely how they did it, but I think using ponytail guy at pitcher made them a lot tougher to get hits off of.

Overall, these stats make it look like we only improved a little from the spring to the fall. But in reality, we were playing really well over a period of six games between June 21 and Sept. 28. Once October hit, we kind of lost our focus and choked a little bit. We had a bit of a problem with girl attendance. But our defense got better and will continue to. Our offense can only get better. It's way to early to talk about the spring, but the next time we put on the red shirts, I think we'll be primed for more competition.

Feel free to share your thoughts on the season in that "Comments" link down there.

Mighty Milfoil 7, Ghost Girl 3

Sigh. No more kickball. On the bright side, it should be a big winter full of snow tubing, broomball, bowling and roller skating, among other things. Maybe even a snow kickball game. Let me know if you want to be on the list for this stuff.

For our season finale, we had a good, fun game and played well but we were still defeated by ourselves. Or the girl-ghost of one of ourselves, that is.

Since it was a consolation match with nothing at stake but fun, I decided that for once I would not to spend my Tuesday afternoon worrying much about attendance. The result was that we did not have enough girls, and played pretty thin with 5 guys (Scott, Geoff, Mike, Dave, me) and 3 girls (Sarah, Jenny, Amy). Jennifer had stitches, Liz was in Mexico, Gretchen was in Sweden, plus Scotty was unconscious and Patrik and maybe some other people were secretly (or admittedly) at the Interpol concert. (What gives?)

With one girl short, we had to write a ghost player into the ninth spot on the lineup for an automatic out. I was not mad, because I figured that despite this handicap, we had a good chance anyway against the Mighty Milfoil. And we did. But I wrote the lineup kind of illogically, and every time we got a threat going, our Ghost Girl came up to end the inning.

In fact, Ghost Girl kept us from scoring at least another 3 or 4 runs. I was on base three times (my season high), but at least twice I failed to score because of Ghost Girl. Another time, I didn't score because I was confused about whether Jenny was forced out at second, so I stayed on first with one out. The rest of you have similar stories.

Meanwhile, because Scott was covering both left field and shortstop for Ghost Girl, a Milfoiler was able to drive a 2-run homer through the gap between Scott and Dave. (Strangely, it was the Milfoil's second homer of the season off of us.) The lesson here? You don't want to play with Ghost Girl on your team.

Bunt lesson: With the bases loaded and one out, someone (I don't remember who) bunted up the third base line. Naturally, this got the lead runner out, as it would most times. This is a good demonstration of the "bad times to bunt" in A Philosophy of Bunting. But if you're going to bunt here, bunt to the right to sacrifice yourself. I trust that you won't spend the winter mulling over this.

But overall, I like how we made up for the shortage with great defense (Jenny starred at third), pretty good baserunning and a lot of effort. Just remember that we might have won this game with enough people. As it is, we finish with a dead-even record of 3-3-1, and a third-place standing, and that's not half bad. Well, technically it is half bad, but it's also half good.

Lake Calhoun Flying Muskellunge: HALF-GOOD IN 2004! YAY!

Pac-Man Championship: Grass Kickers 4, Ctrl/Alt/Del 1 (13 innings)

Wow, now this game was a classic -- like Yankees-Red Sox caliber. Dave and I umped. Both teams hammered away at each other for 90 minutes, hardly ever scoring because of really good defense and a little bit of drama.

There were seven and a half innings with a 0-0 tie. Both teams came close to scoring many times. A Ctrl/Alt/Del runner at third forgot the number of outs and ran home on a flyout, only to get doubled off. A Grass Kicker got thrown out trying to get from first to third on a hit to left.

Finally, Ctrl/Alt/Del put one run over in the bottom of the eighth. Almost on cue, Grass Kickers answered with a tying run with two outs in the top of the ninth.

In the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded and one out, the Kickers shortstop dropped a liner, and the Ctrl captain crossed the plate with the apparent winning run. But the Grass Kickers turned a double play at the same time, by tagging a runner between second and third and forcing another at second. Since I had been smothered by the celebrating captain and missed the play, it took Dave's heroic diligence to determine that the run didn't count.

So we went to the 10th, and I got to invoke the rarely-used extra innings rule: "Teams must take a player off the field in each successive inning in boy-girl-boy order." This was getting interesting.

There were three more innings of stalemate and blown chances until the 13th. Finally, with only 7 players on the field, Ctrl/Alt/Del's defense broke down, and Grass Kickers scored three. They held on to win.

The offense and defense were fierce in this game, and everyone was really friendly and I felt a lot better about the league than I did after last week's incidents. I just wish we had been the team wearing the red shirts in the final.

Congrats to Grass Kickers. They only lost one game all season -- to us, natch. Hopefully they'll represent Pac-Man well in the Minneapolis tournament and represent Minneapolis well in Milwaukee.

The Return of the Mighty Milfoil

Kick and run,
Nothing can stop them,
Around every river and canal their
power is growing.

Stamp them out!
We must destroy them.
They infiltrate Lake Calhoun with their thick
dark warning odour.

They are invincible.
They seem immune to all our kickball battering.

Long ago in the Russian hills,
A Midwestern kickballer found the mighty Milfoil
in a marsh,
He captured it and brought it home.

Botanical creature stirs, seeking revenge.
Royal beast did not forget.
He came home to Minn'apolis
And made a present of the Milfoil to
the civic park system.

Fashionable country gentlemen had some
"Muskie Master" fishing boats,
In which they innocently spread the Mighty Milfoil
throughout all 10,000 lakes.

Waste no time!
They are approaching.
Hurry now, we must
protect ourselves
from their bunting.

Strike by night!
They have no defense.
They all need the sun to photosensitize their
venom.

Still they're invincible.
Still they're immune to all our kickball battering.

Botanical creature stirs, seeking revenge.
Royal beast did not forget.
Soon they escaped, spreading their seed,
preparing for an onslaught
threatening the kickball teams.

The Dance of the Flying Muskellunge

Mighty Milfoil is avenged.
Human bodies soon will know anger.
Beat them with your kickball skills

MYRIOPHYLLUM SPICATUM!

Flying Muskellunge lives!

(Liberally adapted from "The Return of the Giant Hogweed," copyright 1972 R&M Music [ASCAP]. No offense intended.)

Season finale

Our final game of the season is at 8 p.m. Tuesday vs. the Mighty Milfoil (2-4). Let's get together for our last hurrah of 2004. It should be about 50 degrees; wear a layer or two under your Muskie shirt.

We also get to umpire the division championship game between Grass Kickers and Ctrl/Alt/Del at 9 p.m. It should be a good game; the Vegas money's on Grass Kickers, but who knows? I need a volunteer or two, please.

Tuesday Night Pac-Man Division	W	L	T	PTS	HR	RUNS FOR	RUNS AGNST	GB
Grass Kickers	5	1	0	10	2	48	17	0
Ctrl/Alt/Del	4	1	1	9	0	40	25	.5
Flying Muskellunge	3	2	1	7	1	34	35	1.5
Blue Balls	2	4	0	4	0	18	35	3
Mighty Milfoil	2	4	0	4	2	39	53	3
Fire Escape	1	5	0	2	1	23	37	4

I think these are the main reasons for our little two-game losing streak: 1) We became complacent; 2) We have become afraid of messing up; 3) We may have forgotten to emphasize the fun part.

To the extent that I may have created this atmosphere, I want to say that all three factors should easily become non-factors. Nobody should feel bad about blowing a play; we all do it and it's part of the game.
We shouldn't feel pressure to make up for it with superhuman acts on the next play.

The same goes for the fun factor; in case I haven't made it clear lately, we are still out here for fun, and the more fun we have, the better we play. So start having fun, dammit!

Anyway, we beat the Mighty Milfoil in Week 1 by a huge score of 14-10, partly because we were having fun and we had no expectations. This week we can come full circle when we meet them again, because we're back in a situation of having nothing to lose. We just want to end the season on a high note.

The Milfoil has the worst defense in the division: They give up an average of 10 runs a game. So even though our aggressiveness has hit a brick wall recently, this should actually be a team that we can successfully kick in the air against. Strategic bunting, however, will remain important.

Their offense is similar to ours, but on Aug. 24 they over-bunted themselves out of innings until their almost-comeback at the end. I don't expect another 14-10 game, but it should be a wild one. Don't let the evil Eurasian milfoil overtake Lake Calhoun for the winter!

And save two seats at the 5-8 Club for the championship-game umps.

Ctrl/Alt/Del 10, Muskies 3

Well, we've had a pretty good season, and I thank you all. We were coming off of a rookie season with a record of 2-4-1, and at the beginning of our sophomore season I set a secret goal: to achieve a .500 record or better. I also had an outside daydream of winning our division and representing Lake Calhoun in the Milwaukee tournament, but didn't think we could do that yet.

To my pleasant surprise, we started the fall season hot. We won our first three games, and had a five-game winning streak dating back to the spring. When we tied our fourth game, we clinched my original goal of .500. I started to dream of the Lake Michigan shores.

But as the season wore on, the quality of our games slowly declined. Or else we stayed the same and everyone else got better. Just look at our first four scores in order: 14-10, 4-2, 4-3, and 3-3. Our winning momentum was thrown off by a rainout, and we lost to the last-place team. We're probably the only team in MUSA history to both defeat the likely division champion (Grass Kickers) and lose to the likely last-place team (Fire Escape).

And now we have reached the lowest of lows, my beloved Muskies, by losing to our supposed equals Ctrl/Alt/Del by a score that I couldn't bear to look at. (Post-script: I found out days later that the score was only 10-3, a little better than I thought.) There are mysterious winning streaks and there are mysterious losing streaks, and now we've had both.

I don't know what happened last night. Maybe Ctrl/Alt/Del won the karma game when ponytail guy came up to me before the game and very graciously apologized for last time. Then their fielders caught everything, and everything they kicked seemed to get through. They ran like banshees.

Our power hitters were stymied. Our bunt attempts turned into those blasted easy pop-ups. I suffered the worst humiliation -- fouling out while attempting to drive it to right field.

The only time we could ever get something going was when the first-basewoman missed or dropped the relay throws. She missed catches about eight times, but we only took advantage of it about half the time. The play of the game was when Mike singled and legged all the way to a triple on a first-base error. That was followed by Patrik getting to second similarly. Both of them scored, and someone else did too -- was it Katie? But that was it.

A few good things happened on defense. Scotty's defense at pitcher has definitely advanced, allowing me to make Dave the dependable vacuum in right-center. We completed pitcher-to-first plays for all three outs in the 2nd, and he doubled off a guy who wasn't aware that Scotty had caught an infield fly. Catcher Katie got more bunters out than we've gotten all year.

Other incidents can make me slip into my new Captain A-Hole persona: Hey, when the ground ball comes to you, you might have to bend down to pick it up! This ain't soccer! And quit bouncing the ball around the field to attempt difficult outs instead of holding the runner on third! This ain't pinball! But then I snap out of it and apologize.

Like I said, it's been a pretty good season, just with some strange highs and lows. And now we'll get the perfect chance to end it the way we started: with a consolation round vs. Mighty Milfoil next Tuesday at 8 p.m. We beat them 14-10 on Aug. 24, although they had a 6-run final inning that may have made the game a microcosm of our entire season. They have a decent offense but the worst defense in the division (average 9-10 runs per game), so they are actually a team that we might be able to kick in the air against. I don't know if we can beat them if we keep playing like the last two games, but if we focus we can have some fun and a chance to end on a high note.

And while we won't get to play in the Pac-Man championship game at 9 p.m. Tuesday (Grass Kickers vs. Ctrl/Alt/Del), we will have the honor of umping it. Any volunteers?

Hello, My Name Is Captain A-Hole

Call me Ishmael. For the third straight game, the umps continued to order Muskies around the field based on rules that don't exist. I was so frustrated about it last week that I emailed Jen, the local MUSA commissioner, to get a clarification of rules about where infielders and outfielders can stand. Jen courteously responded that there were no rules about outfielder placement, just as I thought thanks to my third-grade training in reading comprehension.

But last night, the field ump from Blue Balls (who also umped us two weeks ago) would not stop running her mouth, telling you guys where you could and couldn't stand on nearly every play, among other things. It didn't hurt our game much more than we hurt it ourselves, but it was a big distraction.

So I tried to politely approach her about it after everyone else left, after I saw her talking to the commissioner. I wish I hadn't. I might as well have tried to reason with a bad-drunk alcoholic about her crack addiction.

ME: Hey there, I looked over the rules again and I just don't see anything about where outfielders can stand.

SHE (exploding): Yeah, well you're unanimously known as Captain A-Hole around here, so maybe you shouldn't push it.

ME (taken back): Well, anyway, my point is, can you find the rule here about where outfielders can stand?

SHE (childishly): Can you find the rule about where outfielders can't not stand?

ME (puzzled): Why should there be a rule for every possible contingency? [What I meant to say was, "If it's not specifically prohibited, it must be allowed."]

SHE: Why shouldn't there be a rule for every possible contingency?

ME: Okay, I get it.

SHE: I have played kickball -- softball -- for blah blah years...

ME: How many fielders are there in softball?

SHE: Four. Five. The way I play it.

ME: Actually there are nine in softball, and in kickball there are 11. So there are some differences.

SHE: Five infielders, four outfielders in kickball.

ME: Well, it doesn't say that in the rules.

SHE: Well you know what? Then you have to take it up with Kickball Jen, who runs this...

ME: I have. And she agrees with me.

SHE: Great, because she's the one who says you're Captain A-Hole. How do you feel about that, Captain A-Hole?

ME: Okay, I get where you're coming from. (I walk away, while she continues to yell at my back.)

Yikes. My real problem here isn't that loser, it's that I have long been paranoid that the league management hates me because of some old, minor misunderstandings. I should probably chalk this up to a mean drunk girl from a team called Blue Balls, but I just don't know if she could come up with a "Moby-Dick" pun on her own. Unless she got it from porn -- and this is the same girl who distracts male opposing batters with X-rated anecdotes when she plays catcher.

I'll talk about the actual game later.

Playoff preview: Attack of the clones

The Pac-Man Division playoffs are here, and despite last week's little setback, we are still very much in this thing. Our first task is to win a rematch at 9 p.m Tuesday 10/12 against Ctrl/Alt/Del (9-16-3), a team that is shaping up to be our first true archrival. But it's kind of like a bitter fraternal rivalry, because it's amazing how similar (and evenly matched) we two teams are.

This will already be our fourth meeting in 2004, dating back to two games in June when they called themselves Dangerous Machines. Our all-time record against each other is 1-1-1. On Sept. 28 we tied 3-3.

Now both teams have a fall record of 3-1-1. We have scored 31 runs and they have scored 30; we have allowed 25 runs and they have allowed 22. Those differences are negligible, but it's enough to barely put them in second place over us.

Need more? Both teams wear red shirts. It's like we dislike each other because we're so...similar.

Whatever; this game will be a colossal tiebreaker of epic proportions, and the winner goes to the division championship game. So let's review our history versus the team.

June 14: Dangerous Machines 10, Muskies 6. This was the spring equivalent of last week's collapse: We should have beaten a winless team, but we got sloppy and gave the game away. They bunted a lot to get on and then hit a few to the outfield to score. We were really clumsy on defense. They got all the breaks and we didn't. We kicked off the tee so they did too, which worked in their favor. Scotty was the starting pitcher and Gretchen the reliever, but both had equal results. They had a first-victory pile-up celebration on the field.

June 21: Muskies 8, Dangerous Machines 5. We started poorly by trying to throw at every runner and failing, leading to the creation of the ninth commandment. Dave relieved Scotty at pitcher. Down 5-1, we had the legendary fifth inning in which we suddenly hit 10 straight singles to the pitcher with two outs. Seven Muskies scored, and we made a bunch of crackerjack plays to secure the victory. When we had our own first-win celebration on the field, one of them mocked us.

June 28: I harmlessly flirted with their captain at Psycho Suzi's, and the teams seemed to be at peace. But then she moved to Chicago and the Machines transformed into bigger, badder Ctrl/Alt/Del.

Sept. 28: Muskies 3, Ctrl/Alt/Del 3. We used excellent defense to hold them down, but we also suffered through an offensive slump of our own. We hit way too many soft flies. They bunted a lot, but stranded many on base by failing to get the bunters home. They argued we should let their new captain get on base because it was her birthday. Finally Scott tripled, Dave doubled, and three more Muskies singled in the eighth inning to tie the game at the last minute. After the game, Dave confronted their chief heckler, known as the "pony-tail guy." He complained about our 10-single incident on June 21. We made an uneasy truce, but the birthday girl reportedly cried.

Oct. 12: The two teams meet to settle the score once and for all. I want us to hone our combination of finesse and power with a little strategic bunting (in accordance with A Philosophy of Bunting) followed by some well-placed bombs to the outfield. We must avoid the soft fly balls -- if you don't have power, keep it on the ground like never before! And run fast! And if we remain calm on defense and don't freak out if the bases are loaded or a run scores, we will be able to stop their nibbling offensive strategy.

And in case I haven't made this clear lately, let's have fun. As for the pony-tail guy: Let him talk, while we blow him away with our game.

Playoff seeding

Now that each team in the Pac-Man Divison has played each other once, here are the rankings for the playoffs which start Tuesday:

Tuesday Night Pac-Man Division	W	L	T	PTS	HR	RUNS FOR	RUNS AGNST	GB
Grass Kickers	4	1	0	8	2	37	16	0
Ctrl/Alt/Del	3	1	1	7	0	30	22	.5
Flying Muskellunge	3	1	1	7	1	31	25	.5
Blue Balls	2	3	0	4	0	17	24	2
Mighty Milfoil	1	4	0	2	2	33	48	3
Fire Escape	1	4	0	2	1	18	31	3

We are the #3 seed. We have the same record as Ctrl/Alt/Del, the #2 seed, but we are ranked just behind them because they have given up 22 runs and we have given up 25.

In the first round of playoffs, the #1 seed plays the #4 seed (which is why I wanted us to have the #1 seed) and the #2 seed plays the #3 seed. Also, #5 plays #6.

So, on Tuesday at 9 p.m. we will face Ctrl/Alt/Del, while Grass Kickers will face Blue Balls. The winners of those two games will meet for the division championship on Oct. 19.

Lucky penny update

I found it on my bedroom floor. I know it's the one because it was from 2001 and caked with some black tar stuff on the heads side. Now we can get back to business!