Call me Ishmael. For the third straight game, the umps continued to order Muskies around the field based on rules that don't exist. I was so frustrated about it last week that I emailed Jen, the local MUSA commissioner, to get a clarification of rules about where infielders and outfielders can stand. Jen courteously responded that there were no rules about outfielder placement, just as I thought thanks to my third-grade training in reading comprehension.
But last night, the field ump from Blue Balls (who also umped us two weeks ago) would not stop running her mouth, telling you guys where you could and couldn't stand on nearly every play, among other things. It didn't hurt our game much more than we hurt it ourselves, but it was a big distraction.
So I tried to politely approach her about it after everyone else left, after I saw her talking to the commissioner. I wish I hadn't. I might as well have tried to reason with a bad-drunk alcoholic about her crack addiction.
ME: Hey there, I looked over the rules again and I just don't see anything about where outfielders can stand.
SHE (exploding): Yeah, well you're unanimously known as Captain A-Hole around here, so maybe you shouldn't push it.
ME (taken back): Well, anyway, my point is, can you find the rule here about where outfielders can stand?
SHE (childishly): Can you find the rule about where outfielders can't not stand?
ME (puzzled): Why should there be a rule for every possible contingency? [What I meant to say was, "If it's not specifically prohibited, it must be allowed."]
SHE: Why shouldn't there be a rule for every possible contingency?
ME: Okay, I get it.
SHE: I have played kickball -- softball -- for blah blah years...
ME: How many fielders are there in softball?
SHE: Four. Five. The way I play it.
ME: Actually there are nine in softball, and in kickball there are 11. So there are some differences.
SHE: Five infielders, four outfielders in kickball.
ME: Well, it doesn't say that in the rules.
SHE: Well you know what? Then you have to take it up with Kickball Jen, who runs this...
ME: I have. And she agrees with me.
SHE: Great, because she's the one who says you're Captain A-Hole. How do you feel about that, Captain A-Hole?
ME: Okay, I get where you're coming from. (I walk away, while she continues to yell at my back.)
Yikes. My real problem here isn't that loser, it's that I have long been paranoid that the league management hates me because of some old, minor misunderstandings. I should probably chalk this up to a mean drunk girl from a team called Blue Balls, but I just don't know if she could come up with a "Moby-Dick" pun on her own. Unless she got it from porn -- and this is the same girl who distracts male opposing batters with X-rated anecdotes when she plays catcher.
I'll talk about the actual game later.
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